Self-deception & congruency – In my experience a lot of the issues in life, interpersonal communication and relationships boil down to congruency. I think most people on this call would agree that at least over half of the time when we say or do something, it isn’t what we are really thinking, and/or our actions aren’t really reflecting how we’re truly feeling. This causes our communication and actions to be extremely ineffective and even counter-productive.
For example, why is it that many times when you’re trying to be nice to someone it backfires?
Why is it that when you’re trying to be confident and even charming, people might still shun you or even put you down? The answer again is because you’re not being congruent and people, just like animals, can sense it.
This issue of congruency extends all the way to the communication you are having with life as well. Often we try new endeavors half-heartedly and wonder why we failed. Well, we we’re never fully congruent and committed to them. Life responds to a person’s lack of congruency just as any person would.
I know a lot of people who often DO NOT say the right things, my brother is one of them. He many times do things that most people would just gasp at and wonder how he can get away with. However, he is 100% congruent with who he is and what he says and does so everything works for him. There are a ton of people who do not do or say the right things but have massive success in their dating, business and overall lives. Of course our internal states and most of how we operate come from childhood experiences and agreements we’ve made with ourselves about ourselves and others.
Now, how do you become congruent? First, you must realize the biggest problem that people have – which is our amazing ability at self-deception. Very often we say sorry or thank you and many other things that seem right but we don’t really mean. No wonder why a lot of the time these acts are met with a lot of resistance from people. You might say I’m sorry to your partner, friend or anyone but they’ll sense the reason why you’re doing it and if it’s a negative one they’ll keep resenting you. So, here is the goal and understanding I’d like you to get. First, realize that a lot of the time you’re deceiving yourself and that trying to mask your true feelings and thoughts through your actions doesn’t work. Second, there is a way to become not only congruent in who you are but bring out the best, most confident self at ALL TIMES.
Start by cultivating a strong vision for who you wish to be and how you see your life. That’s self-mastery in practice daily. Of course it’s also making the unconscious issues conscious so they can get resolved. It takes constant daily practice to focus your vision for your ideal self. How would you act? Feel it down to every detail, body language etc. Visualize your ideal day, what you would do in the morning, afternoon and night, with who and where and then simply focus on appreciating your current life, loving yourself and others in whatever is now.
Empowering emotions to take action – For most of us taking action comes hard, especially with the things we’re “supposed” to do that would create the life we want. Many of the excuses come in the form of fearful thoughts and emotions. Such as “what if this doesn’t work?”, “what if I look like a fool doing it?” and many others.
So, you might be asking yourself, what’s the key that differentiates someone who constantly takes action. Regardless of the fears and doubts. It is easy to impose some supernatural traits to the people who are constantly moving forward. Making things happen. The truth is, it all comes down to habits. Both internal and external ones. One important habit that will propel you forward is reframing. The focus here being reframing your emotions.
It is very important that you relax into your discomfort when it comes to change, the unknown and anything that creates the emotion of fear or stress. Also, it is fundamental that you not only relax into these emotions but use them to empower you. How? Change your perspective about them.
Instead of the usual story you tell yourself about fear, stress and how overwhelmed you feel – tell yourself a different story that empowers you. It could be something like “I’m always moving forward and using all my challenges as opportunities. I love challenging my potential every day by taking action towards my goals as my fear turns to excitement and my doubt to confidence. I love it!” Basically, these emotions that you experience are just chemical reactions in your body; they are not fear, doubt or anger etc. You have just been taught to label them this way. This very moment is the time to choose to label your emotions another way and adapt an empowering perspective that moves you into action. You can change the way you see anger and so many other emotions that have been destructive to you in your past, in order to bring peace into it. Anger can for example be a teacher to help you learn tolerance and acceptance. Again, it is up to you how you choose the meaning of your emotions but make sure they’re bringing happiness, love and success into your life!
Daniel Haegele from TurnToExperts interviews Felipe. Some of the topics covered:
Why your Self-Image is the Key to Success
How to build an extraordinary Social Life
How to feel like a Rockstar within 30 minutes
How to meet highly valuable People
Why it is about who you are and not about what you do
How to create your own Purpose and Vision
If you want to learn more about what Daniel is up to you can find him here:
Belief is the psychological state in which an individual holds a proposition or premise to be true.
(c. ^ Schwitzgebel, Eric (2006), “Belief”, in Zalta, Edward, The Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy, Stanford, CA: The Metaphysics Research Lab, retrieved 2008-09-19)
You believe something when you take a concept, a proposition as truth. Truth is a very individual concept. Think about something that you see as true without a doubt. Now why is what you are thinking true? Because you saw it, experienced it? Because then it is real?
“If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then ‘real’ is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain.” Think again! Why is something true and why not? It is a DECISION. You decide if you believe something or not. You decide if it is true or not. That’s it.
You also decide if the opposite is false. If you think something is true then the opposite of this truth must be false. For example, if you think that all rich people are evil you discard everything that is contrary to this belief. The opposite – that all rich people are good people – becomes false.
Now, after making this decision you automatically begin to collect evidence for that particular belief. You start bending situations, filter information and tune your senses according to your beliefs. If you hold the truth that all rich people are evil, even when you meet a rich person who is a charitable, giving person you probably focus on the negative character traits of this person or you find another way to discard the objective fact that this person also has positive good qualities.
So imagine this: When you get programmed by society with beliefs that are not serving you but instead keep you under control and make you a good consumer, how on earth can you be successful and follow your dream? You are collecting any evidence you can find to hold on to those beliefs and every day you are exposed to words and images that cement this programming into your brain.
You discard every possibility that those beliefs are false because most of the time you’re not even aware of them, let alone this process of social brainwashing. You are asleep, a working drone, programmed to do nothing else than consume and be a good sheep in the masses. Interestingly enough basically every innovation was criticized at first, and the people who came up with new concepts and inventions were called crazy. I call them awake. They were the only ones that were living and not sleep walking.
Beliefs are very powerful. If you are following the self development world you probably heard a lot about changing beliefs and affirmations & visualizations. And as a matter of fact, it works. Affirmations work, no doubt about that because you are already using them. Affirmations in that sense are statements about yourself that you believe are true. For example, if you think you are a clumsy person, it is an affirmation. You hold this image of yourself as the absolute truth and even when you do things in a very elegant way you reject this evidence as false.
But often affirmations don’t work the way they’re taught in most of the self-help books out there. So why is that? You’ve been told to do affirmations like this: Stand in front of the mirror and say something like: I am successful etc. Now this could change your results and self image for a certain period of time BUT it will not be effortless and long term.
Why not? Because you have certain CORE beliefs that contradict those affirmations. For example, a core belief could be that all rich people are bad people.
Now if you want to be financially successful and you affirm to yourself that you have loads of money, in the back of your mind you are sabotaging yourself because you would then become a bad person. Your concept of the world is holding you back and destroying the chance of a lasting change. I figured out a three step process of changing your core beliefs. It can be very challenging because you have to challenge your ingrained world views, your understanding of reality and yourself. So if you are not ready for this I would suggest you stop reading now, because it can be a very challenging process and you have to be brutally honest with yourself.
Good! Let’s get started!
Identifying your Core Beliefs
The process is very easy and simple just like most things that work in life.
Now sit back and answer the following questions:
What part of your life is not working?
What do you belief about …?
For example: What do you belief about money?
Now be honest and write EVERYTHING that comes to your mind!
Now start with the first sentence you wrote down and ask yourself:
Why do you belief that?
Write your answer down! Then again ask yourself the question about the answer.
Why do you belief that?
Continue this process until you can’t find an answer anymore. The answer will probably be: Because I heard it in the media/learned it from my parents/because someone told me that!
Congratulations! Now you have your Core Belief.
I will go on to step 2 but I will show you in a later example how this process works in detail!
This is a step only a few people talk about but which is very crucial. You have to DOUBT your Core Beliefs first before you install a new one. Imagine you learned about affirmations and tried to change your belief about “the earth is flat”. Now until you absolutely believe that this statement is false you will never adopt the new belief “the earth is spherical”.
You have to change the way you look at things, you have to change your PARADIGM of thinking! Now I have some questions for you that will help you doubt your Paradigms/Core Beliefs about the world:
Is the Statement 100% true?
If it’s true, is this statement helpful?
What is this statement in service of?
How might my life be different if I didn’t hold on to this statement?
Write the answers to those questions down!
Now let’s go step deeper. In the previous chapters I talked a lot about the matrix so now ask yourself the following questions:
Why does someone want you to believe that?
Who is benefiting from you believing that?
When the answer is NOT YOU then you have a very problematic worldview. Let’s take the belief from above: “All rich people are bad people”. This doesn’t serve you at all. It helps installing an aversion against wealth and wealthy people. That way your behavior becomes predictable. You probably never will try to get very wealthy. You will keep complaining about the rich people and you will be a worker bee all your life.
On top of that you have other core beliefs that contradict with this one. For example: “Money makes people happy”. Now you got to conflicting beliefs that keep you drawn and averted towards wealth and money and keep you stuck, under control and predictable. This realization helps you to drop the belief instantly. You can see its falsehood and finally you can see the matrix and how it controls you. When you finally see how society constructed our world for us you can drop your illusions and stop looking at the dancing shadows. You are aware now and can start building your own truths and your own worldview that is not intended to control you.
Now you can change those Paradigms and here is how:
You identified your core beliefs and saw the falsehood of them. Now it is time to change them. You can do two things here:
Write down the opposite of the false core belief
Or write down a more useful belief
For example: “All rich people are evil”
Opposite: “All rich people are good and giving persons”
More useful: “Money enhances your unique personality”
I personally prefer the opposite but this is up to you!
Write down every negative/false core belief you have on a piece of paper and write down the reason why society wants you to belief that right next to it. I recommend you start with one area of your life and stick with that for 30 days. Now write down your empowering core belief on another paper!
Now you have to form a habit! EVERY DAY when you wake up and right before you go to bed you takes out the two sheets in front of the mirror. You start with the negative belief list and realize the falsehood of those beliefs and now you start telling yourself out LOUD:
The truth is….
Your empowering beliefs!
“All rich people are bad people”
Keeps you under control, predictable, a good consumer
The truth is: “All rich people are good people and help other people”
Now can you see how you are destroying your old negative programming and installing a new empowering one at the same time?
I hope so! The key is to do this consistently! You have to do this EVERY DAY! You have to convince yourself that the new Paradigm is the absolute truth and when you do I guarantee your world changes.
“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” – Wayne Dyer
Hope that helps!
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Being anxious or scared of how people are going to react to what we say, do, how we act and who we are would be more justified if we actually knew the reason behind their reaction. Usually we don’t. Most of the time we have NO IDEA.
People have tons of shit going on in their life that has nothing to with us. Usually they also struggle with the same or worse social issues and prejudice as we do.
THEY might actually be nervous, shy, stressed or angry. Maybe they had a horrible day, got their car stolen, had family drama or got into a fight with their boss or a colleague. Maybe someone close to them got ill or passed away recently. Maybe they’re just introverted, or feel awkward because they haven’t showered in two days.
My point is, there is NO WAY to know any of this unless you can read minds (if you can, please email me immediately for strategic business opportunities). Keep this in mind, especially when meeting new people. They don’t know you so how could they be mad at you? 99% of the time there is something else involved if you get a ”bad” reaction from someone you just met.
I want you to drop your old programming and be open for a new way to look at it. How about this, bad reactions or ”rejections” are GREAT! They’re a fantastic opportunity for growth! Here’s why:
1. Every ”rejection” gives you the chance to examine the interaction, if you did or didn’t something you shouldn’t do and LEARN FROM IT.
2. You get to practice not caring how others react and what they think about you, which is invaluable. Thicker skin rarely hurts, be grateful for every opportunity. Note that this also applies to ”positive” reactions. Stay neutral.
3. The truth is that social skills are developed like any other skill, by training. You probably didn’t do it perfect the first time you tried riding a bike, or a horse. This is the same. In fact, you WILL have to go through several ”rejections” before getting to where you want to be. How many depends on your resistance to what we tell you and how fast you learn and implement the concepts.
Let me ask you this, if I held a gun to your head and told you to start a conversation with a group of strangers, would you do it? You would probably do WHATEVER IT TAKES to not freeze up, to feel the fear but do it anyway. So get out there and get it over with so you can move on with your life.
Remember, socializing is just a tool, a vehicle that will get you from A to B. If you want a Lamborghini you don’t just take the chassi and put it on a horse wagon and expect it to work. More on this soon, for now just invest in yourself, view it like a hobby or a scientific experiment or whatever it takes for you to take action and grow so you can lead the life you deserve! Not tomorrow, NOW!
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