Self-deception & congruency
Self-deception & congruency – In my experience a lot of the issues in life, interpersonal communication and relationships boil down to congruency. I think most people on this call would agree that at least over half of the time when we say or do something, it isn’t what we are really thinking, and/or our actions aren’t really reflecting how we’re truly feeling. This causes our communication and actions to be extremely ineffective and even counter-productive.
For example, why is it that many times when you’re trying to be nice to someone it backfires?
Why is it that when you’re trying to be confident and even charming, people might still shun you or even put you down? The answer again is because you’re not being congruent and people, just like animals, can sense it.
This issue of congruency extends all the way to the communication you are having with life as well. Often we try new endeavors half-heartedly and wonder why we failed. Well, we we’re never fully congruent and committed to them. Life responds to a person’s lack of congruency just as any person would.
I know a lot of people who often DO NOT say the right things, my brother is one of them. He many times do things that most people would just gasp at and wonder how he can get away with. However, he is 100% congruent with who he is and what he says and does so everything works for him. There are a ton of people who do not do or say the right things but have massive success in their dating, business and overall lives. Of course our internal states and most of how we operate come from childhood experiences and agreements we’ve made with ourselves about ourselves and others.
Now, how do you become congruent? First, you must realize the biggest problem that people have – which is our amazing ability at self-deception. Very often we say sorry or thank you and many other things that seem right but we don’t really mean. No wonder why a lot of the time these acts are met with a lot of resistance from people. You might say I’m sorry to your partner, friend or anyone but they’ll sense the reason why you’re doing it and if it’s a negative one they’ll keep resenting you. So, here is the goal and understanding I’d like you to get. First, realize that a lot of the time you’re deceiving yourself and that trying to mask your true feelings and thoughts through your actions doesn’t work. Second, there is a way to become not only congruent in who you are but bring out the best, most confident self at ALL TIMES.
Start by cultivating a strong vision for who you wish to be and how you see your life. That’s self-mastery in practice daily. Of course it’s also making the unconscious issues conscious so they can get resolved. It takes constant daily practice to focus your vision for your ideal self. How would you act? Feel it down to every detail, body language etc. Visualize your ideal day, what you would do in the morning, afternoon and night, with who and where and then simply focus on appreciating your current life, loving yourself and others in whatever is now.